FIVE YEARS

Five years ago today I was diagnosed with cancer. This week I have been reflecting on all I have learned since that day, about myself, life, love, and God. Here is what I know for sure. What I Deserve Many people have said to me,"You don't deserve to have cancer!" What do we deserve? For a while I thought we deserved ... More

If Prayer Healed a Body

If prayer healed a body, then I would be healed.  If hope kept young women from dying of breast cancer, they wouldn’t be dying.  Every  woman with young children and breast cancer is doing everything within her power to survive for her babies.  Every woman who has just given birth and within weeks or months been diagnosed ... More

Endurance

I wrote this in December, 2014, and forgot to post it. My grandma passed away this summer. She was ill for a few weeks and we knew it was the end. She had a full life, and many people loved her and were there for her in her later years, and in her dying. During her dying time I reflected on how much alike we are. She was ... More

Rebellion and Sacred Cows

I grew up in a house where it was not okay to express yourself. "Just be quiet, keep your head down, and get good grades." If I dared to disagree with my mother there was no thoughtful conversation about feelings or ideas. There was no respect of my personhood. Disagreements with her end with her saying, "You're right. I'm ... More

YET.

YET: An open letter to oncology professionals YET. It's a small word. Made of three benign letters. Y.E.T. If you string them together, though, and hurl them at a patient that tiny word can send someone spiraling to hell. A few weeks ago I had some bloodwork and a breast sonogram as part of a mid-year check up. I saw the ... More

What Price For Life?

Life comes at a price.  I have been contemplating that for the past few months as I realize every day with aches and pains and weariness the price I pay to still be here.  When I expand my view of the price of life I see that there is a fee paid for our entrance into the world, and I see that it's possible to know when the ... More

Denial, Cave Paintings and Brick Walls

Just when I catch myself being judgy about someone else’s denial of something difficult that damn boomerang comes back to hit me in the forehead.  Every.  Time.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never be done with cancer.  I have come to terms with that before, but like an alcoholic who relapses and forgets ... More

Joy, But…

I have been getting scans every six months for the past two years and I find that I am hesitant to make any plans past the next six month mark.  It's easy to get in the pattern of living your life six months or one year at a time between those scans.  It feels like too much uncertainty for me to commit to anything because, ... More

Oh, the Humanity

In February 2011 I had health insurance.  I did not have a great, comprehensive plan because my employer did not offer benefits and I was no longer married.  What I had was an affordable, catastrophic health coverage policy because I was young and healthy.  And because a comprehensive plan was going to cost $375/month. On ... More

“What I Did At Camp.” Or, “How I Became a Nude Model at 40.”

I flew to Atlanta a couple of weeks ago to Patti Digh's Design Your Life Camp.  When she announced she was having one I knew I would go.  Just like you know when it's time to quit a job or eat lunch.  Then Patti asked me to come teach yoga at camp, and suddenly going to camp wouldn't cost me anything except time.  Of course ... More