Endurance

I wrote this in December, 2014, and forgot to post it. My grandma passed away this summer. She was ill for a few weeks and we knew it was the end. She had a full life, and many people loved her and were there for her in her later years, and in her dying. During her dying time I reflected on how much alike we are. She was ... More

Woman plans…

I have been chuckling to myself all day today. It's the fourth anniversary of my first breast cancer diagnosis. About a month ago I decided that I wanted to plan a celebration day. In all these four years I have not really felt like celebrating one damn thing related to cancer. I didn't ring a bell when I was done with chemo. ... More

Rebellion and Sacred Cows

I grew up in a house where it was not okay to express yourself. "Just be quiet, keep your head down, and get good grades." If I dared to disagree with my mother there was no thoughtful conversation about feelings or ideas. There was no respect of my personhood. Disagreements with her end with her saying, "You're right. I'm ... More

Fuel To Be Burned

I have been holding gratitude for cancer in a suspense account, thinking that if I am grateful it means that I am happy cancer visited. I have been denying what is there, as is our nature to deny half of everything. While I am unreconciled with cancer, the adversity it brought has given me myself. I see, now, that every ... More

Just because we can…

I think we are jumping the shark in the scientific world on many levels nowadays.  For example, it's possible to put a fetus in a sixty-year-old uterus.  But that doesn't mean we should.  We have gone way past what is helpful and ventured too far into ludicrous. I see this issue in the cancer world a lot.  Recently ... More

Terrain Changes

The sky today is brilliant blue; the breeze a perfect swirl of late summer and early fall. With unclaimed time I hopped on my bike and set off to find coffee and write. I rode on the wild side; eschewing the helmet for breeze in my hair, but on the sidewalk because I'm a calculated risk-taker. I'm always surprised ... More

YET.

YET: An open letter to oncology professionals YET. It's a small word. Made of three benign letters. Y.E.T. If you string them together, though, and hurl them at a patient that tiny word can send someone spiraling to hell. A few weeks ago I had some bloodwork and a breast sonogram as part of a mid-year check up. I saw the ... More

What Price For Life?

Life comes at a price.  I have been contemplating that for the past few months as I realize every day with aches and pains and weariness the price I pay to still be here.  When I expand my view of the price of life I see that there is a fee paid for our entrance into the world, and I see that it's possible to know when the ... More

Denial, Cave Paintings and Brick Walls

Just when I catch myself being judgy about someone else’s denial of something difficult that damn boomerang comes back to hit me in the forehead.  Every.  Time.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never be done with cancer.  I have come to terms with that before, but like an alcoholic who relapses and forgets ... More

Joy, But…

I have been getting scans every six months for the past two years and I find that I am hesitant to make any plans past the next six month mark.  It's easy to get in the pattern of living your life six months or one year at a time between those scans.  It feels like too much uncertainty for me to commit to anything because, ... More