Blessings (Day 18)
I have been reflecting on blessings for the past few days. Once I came out of what was probably just the first “Poor me I have cancer” phases I’ll experience, I realized that even though I have cancer my life doesn’t all suck. In fact, except for that one thing no part of my life sucks. My kids are awesome, my job is great, I have enough money to pay my bills and feed my people and for an occasional trip to Charming Charlie’s. I have a loving sweetheart who respects me, thinks I’m amazing and makes me laugh. And I am loved by many, many incredible people.
I do not think I would be able to count those blessings if it weren’t for the gift of presence that yoga has given me. Right now, at this moment, it doesn’t matter that I have cancer. I would be here on my couch writing about something if I were 100% healthy. If I live in the future and only think of what that holds I’d be sitting here thinking about chemo, wondering if it will make me sick or make me lose my hair. Worrying about how I’ll be able to care for the children and work and heal from cancer. I’d be thinking about surgery, and how my body will never be the same again. About how if I had known how bruised I’d still be after the biopsies and how I’d have to get a mediport right away I would have had some pictures taken of myself with no shirt on because I will never again have a chest that is not scarred by cancer. I have been in that future in my head. It is hell.
One of my favorite quotes ever (and that is saying something) is by Winston Churchill. He said, “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” I do not need to borrow trouble; the future will take care of itself. When I remember to be in the present I can count all my precious blessings and be buoyed with gratitude.
Even cancer has given me reasons to be grateful. So many people have expressed their love and care, spent time, money and energy to care for me, call me, cook for me, shop for me, pray for me. Never have I been so nurtured by so many. Already the decaying compost of cancer is growing flowers!
Please keep praying~